daily life of madeline

I have enough power in me to not cry in public, but when it comes to my parents, it just flows out of my eyes like a waterfall. Going to the gym today, I proposed this plan to my dad and earlier on the day, I proposed the same plan to my mother. This was the proposal: Since I am going to summer school (which I didn’t want to go since I’ve been going every year since 7th grade), I currently have a job; I want at least one thing for myself, which is do the Summer Benefit Concert with this past year’s Drama Cast. Some of my close friends are moving to colleges in the mainland, and this is my last oppurtunity to do a show with them and to also do what I love to do… which is to perform. Is that reasonable? I do what they want of me, and I get to at least perform in one last performance with them. Tell me not, I think that is reasonable. And then they go off about me having too much to handle on my plate. Sociology and Physiology is supposed to be super chill in the summer, and I work only 20 hours a week. I have some spare time to put on a part of the show yeno. It’s not going to take every minute of my life. So that was my summer proposal with them. The second half of my proposal was that they would allow me to do dance IF I DO NOT join next year’s drama cast, which I had to really think about. I really love performing, and performing with them, but I think dance would suffice me better since it would be something that I will be doing in the future. And I even told them that I would pay half of it. It just sickens me that they despise the drama cast sooooo much. It really pisses me up, and brings fire in my blood. They are the nicest, kindest, people in the world. And they helped me through more than you can imagine. Sharing  the stage with them and doing something that we all have in common also brings us closer. When I proposed this part, they flipped out banana’s. In the past, I told them that I want to audition for AMDA and major in performing arts; but they don’t believe that performing arts is a career and that I would fail. I mean it’s hard enough to have respect for two individuals that don’t believe in me, which happens to be my parents. Everyone around me consistently pushes me because they know what I can do, and they have to keep encouraging me to go for my dream, because you two continously put me down in tears. It’s just so hard to deal with this burden everyday. I brought up the point that they allow my sister what she wants to do, but they don’t allow me to do what I want to do. For crying out loud, I am willing to pay half of it. Just because her intrests are in sports, volleyball and track, and mine are music and dance, doesn’t mean you only support one child and then completely tear me down. This isn’t fair. Yeah, my parents supported me when I played soccer… but that got old yeno. I have a bigger dream, and dance just happens to be everything to me.

Dance: Dance is an expression. Expression of the soul, my soul. I express anger, passion, love; any emotion that you can think of, I can express through dance. I may not be the best in the world, but I have the determination and the passion to be the best. I know that I still need more technique and training, but that is something that I am willing to go through to be the best. I know that I can do great things with dance. People have told me that I made them cry in my dance, and that is something that I love to hear. To hear that I impacted someone in the audience, it is so heartfelt and it makes me feel that I did alright. To perform with a stage under my feet is all I need to make me get lost within the dance. The spotlight and audience might make me nervous, but I use the nervousness and turn it into adrenaline for more energy and to perform a better performance. People may think it’s the latest fad, or those little breakers who think they are the shit; personally, I think they have no idea why they dance in the first place. To impress? I don’t know. If you dance to impress, then you are NOT a dancer. Get that straight. I can personally go on and on, but in plain and simple terms, I love to dance.

<3

I feel/am very sick ‘-‘

During the SAT’s Section 7 till the last section, I had felt these weird stomach pains as if knives were stabbing my insides. I don’t get these often now, but in 8th grade, I used to get it all the time. I would go to the bathroom crying about the excruciating pain. I had never told my parents because I was scared to what they might have been, and I still didn’t tell them. But towards the end of the test, it somewhat subsided. I then went home and it was 1:30 ish. I took a nap because I had planned to go to Brit’s concert thing tonight for House-It. When I woke up at 2:34, I had the WORST headache ever. My mom took my temperature, and it was 101.6 and I felt soooo cold. I guess that is what a fever is. And the fact that I was dehydrated from the days before, I still didn’t recover from that. I can barely move at all and I was unable to go to church tonight. Miserable.

But on the plus side; I’m watching my favorite movie- Live Free or Die Hard :]

My dad thinks I am depressed. How great is that ,____,
He insists that I go to the doctor, and get medication.

Uh, how ‘bout NO.

It was tin-tin’s surprise Grad. party, and it was flippin amazing! I miss all of my waipahu friends >;| Like I really miss them. But I also got to meet new people too; like Christian, Melody, Jason, Gia, and this other dude with a V but I forgot >_< But yeah, just hanging and doing jam sessions with the guitar in the living room while waiting for her was so much fun too! I forgot how funny they were! When tin came, it was like a semi surprise thing, because someone opened the garage to early and she walked and already saw us, but thats okay :] The food was good, and I tried this filipino dessert, and it was sooooooo good! We watched Rush Hour 3 and that was fricken hilarious. And in between that we had more guitar jam sessions. Then after the movie, me and Tin wanted to watch ‘The Lizzie McGuire Movie’ but no one else wanted to so they were making like it didn’t work when they puted it into the dvd thing. So instead we played COD. And I had never played it in my life, but it was so much fun because I was like hitting everything, like what Teo told me to do xp And I kept pressing the pause button :] And talking to john even made it more funnier :D

Overall, GREAT NIGHT!

The fear of forgetting. Of forgetting your memory, of forgetting your touch, smell, laugh…everything. I  thought this day would come a lot later in my life, like when I reach 50 or something. I can’t believe that I am slowly losing you. What am I supposed to do about this. It’s not like I can say “come back from the dead.” And then regain all the memories back. It’s like I can recall a memory, but the details of some of them were gone. Today I went to go to Valley of the Temples, and  we just so happened to run into NJ’s mom there. We were talking for a while, and it was great. The mom asked me if I remembered the first time NJ drove me, because I had told her that I am going to take Drivers Ed soon. And then I was trying to remember, so hard, that my brain was going to blow up; but I just couldn’t remember. And I just cried… I didn’t want this to happen to me. When NJ passed, I promised to forever keep memories and everything within me, alive. But I am sorry NJ, I failed to keep that promise. I don’t know why this is happening to me, why I am forgetting. Is it because I am human? I could believe so. But that still isn’t an excuse for me. It feels that the hole within my heart just grew deeper. And I am barely hanging on.

Dream Pt. 1: We went to the movies, and I have no idea what we were watching. But it was like old times. Old times when there was no awkwardness between us. I really do miss that between us. Whenever we used to talk or text or see each other in person, we just turn into these two awkward people. When all we wanted was to see each other, to be with each other, that we completed each other. That was how the movies felt like, but then I don’t think that will ever happen, because then again, this was just a dreams. Well, we were watching the movie and we were holding hands, in a way that we used to. Smiling that I have never smiled before. This part of my dream made me realize what we had before.
Realization Pt. 1: Like what you said. I don’t think that there would ever be an “us” ever again. I need time to get that engraved into my brain.

Dream Pt. 2: I was on a cliff that was as tall as the Effiel Tower, and I then jumped off it, into a gushing body of water. And then I guess you we were superman? Flew, and saved me.
Realization Pt. 2: I knew that it was only a dream because, of course, people don’t fly. And that “you” were my superman.

 Dream Pt. 3: I am so mad that I forgot what my dream was! I wrote the first two before I went to church, and I saved this dream last because it was the most important one. uggggh, -_________- maybe i’ll dream it tonight.

Dear Partner,

“You feel the need to carry the world on your shoulders. That’s noble. But there are other people out there who want to help you fight the good fight, and you need to let them in. Because sometimes, even heroes need to be saved.”

xoxo,
Madeline

It’s senior year. It’s senior year! I have to think what I want to accomplish during this time because its crucial if I were to finalize everything. Do I want to go for it? I have always talked about performing arts, but do I actually have the guts to stand up to my parents and pursue the dream that I want to do. Because if I were to do that, even with my job, I still wouldn’t have enough money to support myself. And if I were to actually think about AMDA, then I would NEED to take dance classes, which I am dying to take. My parents refuse to sign the form, but they considered to the sign the form, if I do not join drama next year which I think is personally unfair. They think that it’s going to be time consuming, and they just fail to realize how much drama also means to me. I really don’t know what to do. But I have to start finalizing everything, because this summer is the summer to help me work towards MY dream.

And I just love the color beige (: That was my junior prom’s color, and that will be my senior year’s winterball and prom color too. I can’t wait for Senior Year!!

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry for letting it come this far. But lately I’ve come to realize that you don’t care and probably never will. So I’m gonna have to say goodbye. This will break me and bring me down, but I have to do it. Cause its better to destroy myself than sit back and watch you do it. So go, please go, just leave and don’t look back. Don’t watch me fall apart by doing this. I will miss you, o god I will. But I’ll be okay. This is goodbye.”

I think I am going to need my friends to help me get through this.
I know I can’t do this alone.

But today was faster than I had expect it to be. And this will be my final entry about you, Shane. I really don’t like to use names, but this is the final way for me to close things off and I’m sorry if you’re reading this, and you get offended or something. I would gladly take this off. But I need to say this because frankly, I personally think I am more of a writer. Not in a sense that I’m very good one, but a writer in a sense, that I would write out everything instead of talking, which is pretty lame… in my opinion.

As I am writing this, I am listening to ‘Free Fallin’ by John Mayer. A brilliant song, A brilliant artist. I want to choreograph to this. Well, anywayssssssssssssssss.

So the intentions of us talking today after school was that I wanted answers. I was growing tired of this uncertainty and I needed at least somewhat stability from you. Through everything that we have been through, it made me think and realize that it will be hard for me to let go. But I know it’s not impossible. Because with God’s guidance, He can make anything happen. But I really wished that it hadn’t come down to this, like really. I really wish that things had turned out different. Yes, I thought about all of the circumstances when I asked you the question; good and bad. I guess being an over-analyzer has it’s benefits too. I didn’t get hit as hard when you told me that there is most likely not a future with us. If I had not thought of the outcome, it would have probably struck me hard. I don’t know why I am still attached when it has been this long, like really. And I really don’t think its fair, now is it. At first, I thought NJ had took my entire self when he passed away, but I then realized that you played an important part and I could be myself again. But with any other guy that tries to step into my life (in the relationship, sort of way) I just compare to what you and/or NJ gave me. And that isn’t fair, really. It’s horrible, on my part, to compare when everyone is there own individuals. But I still do, for some reason. Whenever I see other couples, I imagine us back in 8th grade. And yet, I have no idea either why that occurs. But it does. I imagine myself being with you and us being happy together. But that isn’t in your vision, obviously. I know I am not the girl with the pretty face. I know I am not the girl that has outstanding qualities. I know I am not the skinniest girl, or the girl that has a beautiful voice. I know I am a girl with insecurities, a girl that has dealt with too much and to go through more would just not suffice what I want. I am not the girl with the perfect GPA or just perfect at all. I wouldn’t be surprised with how much flaws and such I have within me, and I just don’t know how to take it. But I do dream. And that again, may seems like a good and a bad thing. But today, we have established that we are not likely to have ‘us’ and that I need to get over you. As much as I don’t want to do this, I think it’s necessary. I still have our list that we created of the things that we were going to do together. Remember that? Yeah… Well, I guess we won’t be able to do those this summer. This summer is going to be a fresh start for me. I need to grow and though this hurts, it has to be done. There is no going back, because once summer has started… so have I. I will go my separate way. Once I turn, there is no going back. I need to put my past behind me, and move forward. Though you will always be a chapter in my life, I have to keep writing onto other things. And after this phase is complete, I hope that you will accept me as your friend. Then maybe we can go back to doing our list, as friends. You have no idea how bad I DID NOT want this. But there’s nothing to it.

Thank you for everything. Before and now. For helping me grow as a person, for helping me realize and especially for helping me become a stronger person. I don’t think I would have turned out to be the person that I am, without you. So again, thanks. Thank you for making me feel good, and for helping me through my hard times. I really don’t think I could have came out of it the way I am now, if it weren’t for you. You probably don’t even know know how much you have impacted me, I’m pretty sure you don’t. But you have, a very influential friend.

But don’t mistake that I am completely going to become MIA on you. I want you to know that if you ever need me, text/call, please don’t hesitate because I will always be there for you. No matter what.

So with this said, these are my final words to you.

please be good to me.

To: Chris

It was nice hanging out with you. I had never ‘really’ sang in front of anyone before, and I did today with you. It felt good, and just harmonizing to songs in the car with your guitar was so much… fun. Yeah, i like the name of your guitar :P LOL Im so sad my camera died, we could have made like videos and stuff and sadly I left my phone at the house. I would so have taken like a million pictures! LOL. And when you accidently honked the horn, and the guy looked back; and he just drove off, it was hilarious! It was fun that I did not have in a long time. I didn’t realize how long we did not hang out! Thank you for taking me out, for helping me with my problems and being my friend. I really needed it. I have so much stuff to say, but I think Im just going to call you right now. Love you bestfriend.

xoxo,
Krystina

I think it’s for the best if I just don’t talk to you.
Not forever, but just until I am completely over you.

I really need to talk to you.

Maybe its time that I should finally let go. I always keep thinking that you are going to change, and I have to accept the fact that it will probably never happen. I have been getting used to not talking to you and just not being in my life anymore. It’s definetly not what I had planned for us, but if it’s for the best, then maybe it’s time.